the disruptive nature of thoughts......

Music. Writing. Laughter. Connecting. Reflecting.

I am most myself when engaged in these things.

Music, particularly, is more than an interest or a hobby or something I do during worship service. I eat, sleep, and breathe it, cliche and all. There is a soundtrack for every mood, moment and occasion.

I have a friend who doesn't really listen to music. That baffles me. Better yet, I know of a woman whose husband hates music.

Hates music?!?!?!?

Now, there are some genres I'm not too crazy about, but to just pour it all into one bucket: the lilting, quirky beauty of folk music, the twang and heart of country, the pulsating invigoration of rock....and just throw it all out?

Appalling.

Lately, however, I've had a very subtle, unsettling thought, the kind that quietly causes me unrest, disrupting the flow of my life. These are generally the ones whose source is God because they are so stubbornly, often unpleasantly true.

..............Is it possible that I am too passionate about music?.....................Do I prize it over the Lord?..........

Music soothes me when I'm angry, celebrates and elevates my happiness, underscores and darkens my anguish. None of this is bad, per se.

But where is the Lord in the mix of all that? Do I reach for His arms when I'm stressed out, or do I turn on a song that I know will strike that proverbial chord in my spirit? Am I exchanging what is best for what is only permissible? He is a jealous God, after all. Maybe it bugs Him when I do that. After all, what He is, in all His splendor, is so much greater......all the facets and nuances of my beloved music are dwarfed by His majesty. I'm cheating myself in amounts ridiculous, really.

.....potent difference in singing about Him and singing to Him.....

just something to think about........cause I can't help but....

till we meet again......(I love the pauses created by superflous punctuation.) :o)

.........just a hot mess...........

Frustration grates the nerves, swells the emotions and diminishes patience. It rages silently about the ears and makes it hard to hear anything said, for the roar of all that you CAN NOT say is drowning it out.

Songs soothe me. Songwriting is something of which I am almost in awe, I guess because I adore words. I do.

So, since I can't hardly process this moment in time, I'll let a song tell my heart's tale:

"Captivate"---Starfield
Verse 1:

You say, strength is found weakness,
Peace in incompleteness, so why do I hold on?

Pre Chorus:

You look for a heart thats open,
For beauty in the broken,
So why am I withdrawn?
My soul's screaming out, <-------AMEN!!
To be found in You.

Chorus:

Spirit, draw me to my knees.
Captivate all of me, all of me.
Here before You, honestly,
Captivate all of me, all of me.

Verse 2:
I'm so messy and distracted,
Undisciplined and tactless here on the inside. I thought age would tell the secrets,
But the secrets are still secret.
And the years are passing by.

Pre Chorus

Teach me to wait in the moments of my need,
Teach me to hear the melodies of peace.

Chorus

The highlighted lines are some of my favorite lyrics ever, because they are so me. I am a mess, a hot mess. I grapple constantly with the fact that God uses me. It often makes me incredulous.

The second half of the same verse: I thought age would tell the secrets, but the secrets are still secret, and years are passing by. Roughly 50 days into my 26th year, I thought I'd know a few more things than I do. There are some things I'm steady asking about, and I can almost feel God just standing there, refraining from speaking. I trust Him. He's soveriegn. He gets to choose, gets to say. Just wish He'd say.....something.

And the chorus---captivate all of me. Anyone else have this absurd mindset about fitting more of Jesus in?? Into my thinking, my actions, my day, my my my. I must lose myself in Him, SELF being the operative word. ALL of me.  Three short letters. Monstrous to put into action.

Teach me to wait in the moments of my need,
Teach me to hear the melodies of peace.
Here's where I share my favorite scripture: "Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness." Psa. 143:10

I am so glad He's a teacher. Because I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing some days. And today, especially, I need to hear the melodies of peace, that beautifully intangible, silent help.

Sorry, guys. This one's all over the place.....it's just one of those days.....