the cutest little fear

Insomnia, if nothing else, provides time to think............about the lessons I've learned in  life, the ones I'm trying to grasp.....and the blog I randomly started the other day.

So, once again, here goes: (I promise to improve the informality of this loose writing. Forgive me, I'm rusty)

Another big part of my journey (I love that word, and it just occured to me that I'm interrupting myself. Oops.)

The cutest little fear: that moment when your stomach drops to your feet, your heart races, and you wish with all your soul that the earth would swallow you up, just so you'd have a place to hide. Yeah, that's the one. The one I lived with for years. The one everybody coddles, coos at and moreorless accepts.

I'm talking about shyness. It may seem like an endearing quality. It's NOT!!

I'm about to get very transparent, here. Prepare yourself. I was terrified of social situations for years. Any situation that required me speaking for myself, I avoided. Ordering for myself at a restaurant made me extremely nervous. At the root of all this shyness was such intense self-consciousness (just made up a word, moving on) that it pretty much crippled me. I only talked to people I knew well, made eye contact rarely, and decided someone did not like me on the basis of minute so-called indications.

What I'm describing is a  mobile prison, closely monitoring every move I made in public. I mean, I moved to Alexandria in junior high; I didn't attend my first youth service at POA until I was 16.

So many fears are prayed about, dealt with and faced with a strong desire for deliverance. Shyness is an all-seeing master for someone afflicted, yet it's often seen as cute or sweet. There's nothing cute about being petrified of situations that most deal with easily.

Shyness could have held me back from so much. When I talk about things I've been able to do, it's my testimony. I've never done drugs or alcohol. But I have been delivered of shyness, slowly but surely. Shy girls don't try out for choir or go on trips with that choir. Shy girls don't try out for solos and get them. Shy girls don't act goofy for the kids church service in front of the whole blooming church, flying by the seat of her skirt. (Pentecostal humor.) I'm not trying to prop myself up; these are my trophies of grace.

I have been blessed to do soooo many things, only because I don't let my shyness stop me.

That's right. MYshyness. Because it is still mine. I have my moments: when I'm surrounded by people I don't know well, when I know I'm about to get in front of a group to speak, when someone makes a face about something I've said. I still feel the need to retreat, but it's nowhere near as strong as it once was. Instead of a crippling sensation, it's more like an occasional twinge.

Shyness is a fear. One that can be faced and conquered.

For I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.