Enduring the Ache...

It is an almost tangible thing; this quietly roaring longing to do....something....for God. To find that place, that task, for which God has designated and designed my particular assembly of abilities. Bro. Anthony teaches that we are all ministers, that we are all called to reach and to do something for God. I believe that with all of my heart.

And I do that. I'm involved in a few wonderful ministries. I love my church. No matter where I go, POA will always be where my journey with the Lord began, and I owe an immense debt of gratitude to the men and women of God who have spoken into my life on that campus. But this is something else.....more than choir practice on Tuesday nights, POA Kids on Wednesdays. More than an awesome creative worship routine. More than anything I've ever found to put my hands forth and do........

When I see the pictures of all those beautiful faces of the children in the Philippines, when I hear about AIM work in Greece, something stirs in me. Something strong. It is a desire to be used, to go and do, WHATEVER He wants me to do. Truly, whatever. Something jumps up within me. And restraining it is getting more and more difficult, but I think that's part of this process I keep talking about....

Now, I've always been concerned about the will of God in and for my life. Missteps seem so disastrous, and I shudder at the thought of anything but what He has for me. And I know something's coming. But what? Preachers are called. That's what I've been taught. Well, I'm no preacher, but something resonates within me from time to time. I suppose it is the deep in me responding to the deep in Him. And lately, each time that chamber echoes out a silent pulse of energy, it's all I can do to sit still. It's getting stronger, shaking loose any fear or hesitation. Because I'm human. And the immensity of a God-calling is, well, immense. I have fears. Uncertainties. But the thought of arriving in Heaven having done less than what He's called me to do is just so tragic. Not because I'm so great and God has hand-selected me to be better than any other spirit-filled Christian. False. I have no such dillusions of grandeur. I am just so convinced that He knows me and loves me so well, that what He has designed for me will be the most beautiful, fulfilling, incredible journey, far exceeding anything I could dream up for myself.

And this ache, this beautiful and horrible stirring, is a part of that. For I am grateful to know what it is to long in this way. The alternative is to be asleep in Zion, oblivious that there is anything more to have. And there is so much more. Every time I feel that ache, every time the stirring gets stronger, I rejoice even as I grimace. As crazy as it may sound, that ache is preparing me, growing me, stretching me, driving me. For the day will come---I know this---that the call will go forth, fully awakening whatever this is within me, and the only response will be to go, to do. Fear and hesitation will not be ropes, chains or fences, merely cobwebs to brush off and then step forth. This place is exciting, frustrating, challenging and wonderful, all at the same time.

So, if this makes no sense at all, sorry, I'll try to do better next time. But, if you're struggling to read this through tears and feeling a similar ache pound in your chest, please know that you are not alone. And great things are coming. But first, you and I must endure the ache.......